This column is written by experts in aging, caregiving, home heatlh, hospice and home care fields to keep you informed about growing older.
Everyone processes the impact and effects of loss differently, and no two situations are exactly alike. However, there are a few things that everyone can keep in mind when they are faced with a dying family member to help with the grieving process. To start with, remember that most dying family members would never want to see you suffer. The best gift you can give your loved one is the knowledge that you are taking care of yourself.
Many people don’t realize that if using hospice, Medicare will pay for up to five consecutive days of respite care in a contracted Skilled Nursing Facility. Families can use this caregiving break to take trips, get a massage or even play a round of golf. Do not feel guilty because you need to take a break. You need to make sure you have those outlets that allow you to better take care of yourself and your loved ones.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or D.S.M.) explains that when someone loses a loved one, it is one of the most common times that antidepressants are prescribed incorrectly. Grief is a natural process and can many times be misdiagnosed as depression. If you are experiencing grief, reach out for support. It is okay to ask your friends to just be a sounding board. Tell them you just need someone to listen.
There are also many support groups for disease-specific conditions. While talking about sensitive topics with a group may seem foreign or uncomfortable, try to step out of your comfort zone and give one session a try. Others in the group may be at different stages of the grieving process — this can help you better prepare for what may come and how to navigate loss that is specific to certain illnesses. This is also a crucial time to seek out a counselor for support.
Another aspect to remember is, “People often die the way that they live.” At the end of life sometimes relationships get restored, but if there has always been fighting in a relationship it may become exacerbated during the dying process. It’s essential to try and refocus on what’s important to the patient. In addition, sometimes the person you are caring for may say things intentionally or unintentionally to leave you with feelings of guilt. You must remind yourself you are doing the very best you can.
If your usual methods for coping with stress involve alcohol or drugs, dealing with a dying loved one may exacerbate these behaviors. Be aware of changes in these areas. If your nightly glass of wine starts turning into two or three, step back and evaluate your behavior. Consider alternative strategies like visualization, meditation, yoga and other healthy ways to cope with stress.
The last important item to keep in mind if you are caring for someone at the end of their life is to bridge reality with your desire. Society tells us that hard work should result in positive rewards. For example, it is hard work to help someone get over hip surgery, but you see the payoff: their health improves. When someone is approaching the end of their life, recognizing that the energy you’re spending providing care for them is helping them experience the most comfortable end of life care possible but ultimately losing your loved one and beginning your own grief journey. All the more reason to focus on your own needs while you are caring for you loved one.
Amy Howe, MSW is a Clinical Manager and Bereavement Coordinator at Mission Hospice. Contact her at ahowe@missionhh.com
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