By Danielle Hark for YouBeauty


Perfection is impossible by sheer definition. Yet we strive for it and berate ourselves when we fall short. It's okay to have high standards and want success; it's when perfection starts to affect your relationships or becomes a phobia of making mistakes that it becomes a problem. The way you react to your mistakes and failings can often differentiate healthy ambition from unhealthy perfectionism.


Researchers have said that extreme perfectionism can become a habit similar to compulsive behaviors like smoking, drinking and gambling. “The unrelenting standards that drive the perfectionist may create a temporary ‘high,’ but ultimately leave him feeling flat,” explains Laura Alper, a clinical social worker in practice for over 30 years. It has also been associated with depression, anxiety, sleep and digestive problems, eating disorders and even suicidal thoughts.


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Like addiction, perfectionism can have negative effects on your relationships, says Ann W. Smith, a licensed family counselor and author of Overcoming Perfectionism: Finding the Key to Balance & Self-Acceptance. Perfectionists often have trouble working with others and delegating to people who they believe will be unable to meet their exacting (and potentially unrealistic) standards. They easily get defensive against constructive criticism and find it hard to ask for help. At home, they struggle with intimacy for fear of vulnerability, are often dissatisfied with their significant others and can put undue pressure on their children to be perfect, too.


The good news is you can identify your perfectionist tendencies and take action. First, you must assess the extent of your perfectionism and how it is affecting your life. Are your incredibly high standards interfering with your connection with other people? Do you think that if you make the slightest mistake it makes you a failure? Do you procrastinate doing certain things out of the fear of appearing flawed? Do people tell you you’re impossible to please?


If those questions resonate with you, it may be time to address your perfectionist behavior. Here are some tips for overcoming perfectionism.


Set Realistic Goals

Perfectionists tend to set their standards and goals so high that they are often unattainable. Having impossible goals, engaging with all-or-nothing thinking, and focusing only on the finish line is setting yourself up for disappointment, failure and possibly even depression. Alper recommends that you aim for good enough. If you set ultimate goals that are achievable, as well as smaller attainable goals along the way, you will feel good about yourself and experience an ongoing feeling of accomplishment.


Challenge Your Negative Self-Talk

Smith suggests turning the volume down rather than trying to shut out all critical thoughts. Acknowledge that the negative thoughts are there, and if you can't let them go altogether, minimize them to a point where they will not interfere with the functioning of your life. Try to highlight the positives of what you are doing or how you look instead of self-perceived imperfections. Research shows that what you see as a glaring flaw, others barely notice -- or don't notice at all.


Be More Mindful

Focus your whole attention and awareness on the present moment. Don't think about issues from the past or potential problems in the future. Just be where you are, doing what you are doing, one thing at a time. Not obsessing, just being. Eat when you're eating. Work when you’re working. Play when you're playing. If you find yourself obsessing, try taking a mindful walk. Focus on the way you are walking, the sights and smells around you, the weather, anything that brings you from your head into your physical environment and the present moment. Alper says you can use mindfulness meditation to “keep the internal engine from driving you toward that elusive ideal."


Put Other People First

Instead of focusing on yourself and being perfect, refocus your energies on connecting with loved ones. Accept them for who they are, without judging them for their limitations. Embrace their quirks and imperfections -- and embrace yours, too. In order to truly connect, you have to put the real you out there, even if it feels messy or scary.


Using these tools, you can start to let go, have more realistic expectations and goals, and accept yourself. All of you. Your imperfections are what make you unique. Try to embrace that and rejoice in your individuality. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.





  • Relaxing Protects Your Heart


    You've probably heard that stress can seriously up your risk of <a href="http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/10-fixable-stress-related-health-problems" target="_hplink">high blood pressure, heart attacks and other heart problems</a>.

    While researchers aren't sure exactly why, the research is unanimously in favor of <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/21/manage-stress-and-help-your-heart-_n_825161.html#s242537&title=Focus_On_Relaxation" target="_hplink">relaxation for your heart's sake</a>. "There are studies to show that stress is comparable to other risk factors that we traditionally think of as major, like hypertension, poor diet and lack of exercise," Kathi Heffner, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the Rochester Center for Mind-Body Research at the University of Rochester Medical Center in New York, told Health.com.

    Intense, sudden periods of stress or shock, like a breakup or even winning the lottery, can trigger such a rush of adrenaline that the heart can't function properly, resulting in heart failure or heart attack-like symptoms. In the case of a breakup or death of a loved one, this has become known as <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/16/women-more-likely-to-have_0_n_1097887.html" target="_hplink">broken heart syndrome</a>.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/epsos/6180907719/" target="_hplink">epSos.de</a></em>




  • Relaxing Lowers Your Risk Of Catching A Cold


    Sheldon Cohen, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Carnegie Mellon University, has been at the forefront of stress research since the 1990s. Early on, he showed that chronic stress lasting more than a month but less than six months <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/specials/women/warchive/980512_940.html" target="_hplink">doubled a person's risk of catching a cold</a>.

    His more recent research has tried to figure out why, and <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120402162546.htm" target="_hplink">results seem to point to inflammation</a>. It appears that stress hampers the body's ability to fight inflammation, by making immune cells less sensitive to the <a href="http://health.usnews.com/health-news/news/articles/2012/04/02/why-stress-might-make-you-sick" target="_hplink">hormone that "turns off" inflammation</a>, HealthyDay reported.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/anniferrr/4473854085/" target="_hplink">anna gutermuth</a></em>




  • Relaxing Boosts Your Memory


    A March study found that, at least in mice, <a href="http://www.cell.com/neuron/abstract/S0896-6273(12)00083-9" target="_hplink">chronic stress impaired the prefrontal cortex</a>, the part of the brain involved in abstract thought, cognitive analysis and detecting the appropriate behavior for a given situation. Previous research in mice also showed that shorter bursts of stress impaired the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/16/could-stress-make-your-memory-worse_n_1335868.html" target="_hplink">centers of the brain involved in memory and learning</a>, and left the mice struggling to remember how to find their way through a maze.

    A number of studies have also found that stress increases the amount of certain <a href="http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn10305-stress-boosts-alzheimers-proteins-in-the-brain.html" target="_hplink">proteins in the brain</a> that have been linked to Alzheimer's, <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/05/110526114535.htm" target="_hplink">possibly accelerating the development of the disease</a>.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahdumay/4685601800/" target="_hplink">Sarah DuMay</a></em>




  • Relaxing Lowers Your Stroke Risk


    A 2007 University of Cambridge study found that people who coped the best with stressful life events had a <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6936847.stm" target="_hplink">24 percent lower risk of stroke</a>. It may be partly due to the fact that people who handle stress well often are healthy in other ways, like exercising regularly and not smoking.

    A 2011 study examined the specific effects of <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/27/work-stress-stroke-risk-job-_n_1158897.html" target="_hplink">work-related stress</a>, and found that among middle- and upper-class men, psychological stress caused about 10 percent of strokes.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/floringorgan/4685651353/" target="_hplink">Florin Gorgan</a></em>




  • Relaxing Keeps You Safe From Depression


    Studies have shown that chronic <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2011/08/03/study-how-chronic-stress-can-lead-to-depression/" target="_hplink">stress can kill brain cells</a>, and even prevent the creation of new ones, in the hippocampus, a part of the brain involved in a healthy response to stress, according to Time.com. In 2011, a study in mice illustrated these findings and began to explain one possible way antidepressants work. The mice exposed to a stressful situation didn't want to eat, gave up during a swimming task much faster and exhibited "pleasurelessness" -- similar to human depression symptoms like loss of appetite, sadness and hopelessness.

    In humans, the prolonged presence of stress hormone <a href="http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/stress-depression" target="_hplink">cortisol can reduce levels of serotonin and dopamine</a>, which are linked to depression.

    Stress is also likely to exacerbate mood problems in people with a history of depression or bipolar disorder, and <a href="http://www.health.com/health/condition-article/0,,20189154,00.html" target="_hplink">could trigger relapse</a>.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dannynic/7065726083/" target="_hplink">Danny Nicholson</a></em>




  • Relaxing Helps You Make Better Decisions


    It's no surprise that when you're under stress, you might not always be thinking so clearly. But a 2012 study found that stress seems to actually change <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/02/120228114308.htm" target="_hplink">how we weigh risks and rewards</a>, and can cloud our judgment when we are faced with important decisions.

    Counterintuitively, <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/02/120228114308.htm" target="_hplink">stressed-out people actually tend to focus on the <em>positive</em></a>, and may ignore the cons of the decision they're about to make, one of the study's authors, Mara Mather Ph.D., a professor of gerontology and psychology at the University of Southern California, said in a statement.

    That may also help explain why alcoholics crave a drink more when they're under pressure. "The compulsion to get that reward comes stronger and they're less able to resist it," Mather said.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/deanhp/5039224724/" target="_hplink">Daehyun Park</a></em>




  • Relaxing Keeps You Slim


    We love a good comfort food every once in a while, but reaching for foods high in fat and sugar too often can pack on the pounds, and <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110812213034.htm" target="_hplink">stress makes it harder to resist</a>. Cortisol increases appetite, and may even <a href="http://www.everydayhealth.com/diet-nutrition/food-and-mood/stress-and-dieting/stress-and-other-causes-of-obesity.aspx" target="_hplink">specifically encourage junk food cravings</a>.


    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/fwooper7/4633060016/" target="_hplink">fwooper</a></em>




  • Relaxing Eases Acne


    It's a vicious cycle: You're stressed about that presentation at work, so you break out, and then you're stressed about the breakout! Researchers aren't exactly sure why, but <a href="http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/acne/acne-care-11/stress-and-acne" target="_hplink">stress seems to up the amount of oil produced by the skin</a>, clogging pores and causing acne, according to WebMD.

    Flare-ups of other skin problems, <a href="http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/psoriasis-8/stress-impact" target="_hplink">like psoriasis</a>, have also been linked to stress, and can be equally stressful themselves. But relaxing really helps: A 1998 study found that psoriasis plaques cleared up more quickly <a href="http://www.psychosomaticmedicine.org/content/60/5/625.full.pdf+html" target="_hplink">in people who regularly meditated</a>.




  • Relaxing Will Keep You In The Mood


    One of the big reasons that women lose that lovin' feeling is stress, but men aren't immune either. In fact, Kinsey Institute researchers found that <a href="http://www.lhj.com/health/sexual/sex/too-stressed-for-sex/?page=2" target="_hplink">stress zaps the libido of around 30 percent of men</a> (although another 21 percent said it actually <em>increased</em> their sex drive.). "Men are more likely to see sex as a stress reliever, whereas for many busy women, their husband's desire is just another demand on their time and energy," Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF told <em>Ladies Home Journal</em>.

    <em>Flickr photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/pedrosimoes7/3125622033/" target="_hplink">pedrosimoes7</a></em>




  • Relaxing Could Slow Breast Cancer


    While research on the effects of stress on cancer growth are <a href="http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/stress" target="_hplink">largely inconclusive</a>, there is some evidence pointing toward a link between <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110919131602.htm " target="_hplink">stress and breast cancer aggressiveness</a>.

    Relaxing not only seems to <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/03/120321132054.htm" target="_hplink">delay the progression of the disease</a>, but may also speed recovery.

    And if you're currently cancer free, relaxing now can keep you healthy later. A 2003 study found that stress may <a href="http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/news/20030924/does-stress-cause-breast-cancer" target="_hplink">double a woman's risk of developing breast cancer</a> down the line.




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