Radical Feminazi Sen. Richard Blumenthal To Introduce Abortion Bill That ... - Wonkette (satire)

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about some douchehole politician introducing yet another bill to protect the unborn masturbating fetuses and borrowing some nifty ideas from the not-hyperbole-but-actual-literal Nazis to explain how magic ladyparts work ergo ban abortion? Well, too bad, suckas, because that won’t be stopping anytime soon. See, for example, the recent Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act Bill, introduced by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Closet), which would ban abortions at 20 weeks because, as it says RIGHT THERE IN HIS BILL, just because your fetus will be “born missing the bulk of the cerebral cortex” is no reason you shouldn’t have to carry that brainless baby to term, ya whore.

However, today, let’s take a break from banging our ladyheads against the desk to do a little happy dance for this never-going-to-pass-but-still-real-nice bill, the Women’s Health Protection Act of 2013, courtesy of Sen. Richard Blumenthal (the gentleman from Connecticut) and a bunch of lady senators (who are all Democrats, of course), which would actually do some good for a change:

The bill would prohibit states from passing so-called Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers (TRAP) laws, which impose strict and cost-prohibitive building standards on abortion clinics, require women seeking abortions to have ultrasounds, and create other barriers to abortion access. [...]

Blumenthal’s bill wouldn’t automatically overturn states’ existing anti-abortion laws, but because federal law trumps state law, it would provide a means to challenge them in court. The bill would direct judges to consider certain factors in determining whether a restriction is legal, such as whether it interferes with a doctor’s good-faith medical judgment, or whether it’s likely to interfere with or delay women’s access to abortion.

We know, we know. It is CRAZY TALK to suggest that the law should not interfere with doctors making doctor decisions based on going to doctor school instead of based on some lame-ass bill passed by total idiots who do not understand how babby is formed. And it is even MORE CRAZIER to direct judges to consider whether a restriction is actually necessary or relevant or constitutional. Like, say, forcing a woman to have an ultrasound and then forcing her to look at the picture — LOOK AT IT, YA WHORE! — and hear a description of all the little parts of the cell blob that will one day turn into a bouncing little bundle of swaddled joy so you absolutely positively certain you want to KILL IT? (Fortunately, the Supreme Court recently told Oklahoma to fuck off with that nonsense.) Or, shutting down an abortion clinic if its janitor’s closet is not EXACTLY the right size because of the non-existent correlation between the size of the janitor’s closet and the quality of the clinic’s care for women.

So yeah, in our radical feminist utopian she-niverse, those kinds of restrictions, which, by the way, happen to directly violate Roe v. Wade, would be not okay. Basically, as we understand it, this bill would spell it out for the dumbfucks of our nation that Roe means what it means — no you cannot restrict a woman’s access to abortion so stop trying to do that already fer Chrissake.

It won’t actually get School House Rocked into law, of course, because even if the Senate manages to pass it, there is no way the Republican-controlled House is going to let it go through. Sigh. But it’s still nice to see Team Blue fight back a little and maybe, just maybe, try to change the conversation about women’s health to how we can maybe improve women’s health instead of make it illegal because it makes the Republican menfolk and their chick accomplices so darned mad.

[HuffPo]