When you're introduced to someone for the first time, after you shake hands and exchange names, what's the first thing you ask? More likely than not, your default question is: "What do you do?"


We tend to drop this heavy question into conversation before almost anything else has been said, as a way to quickly gather information and start forming an image of the person we're speaking with. While the inquiry might seem harmless, it perpetuates a dangerous habit: The tendency to associate who we are with what we do.


"What do you do?" is the mother of loaded questions. According to Elizabeth Spier[1] , former editor-in-chief of the New York Observer, the traditional conversation-starter comes with a whole lot of other implicit questions, like "How much money do you make?" "Is what you do significant?" and "Do we have anything in common?"


For those who take pride in their title and the organization they work for, the question may come as a welcome opportunity to assert their status, and a chance to align who they are with the prestige of what they do. And for those who don't, it's simply a bad way to start a conversation.


"There is some refuge in institutional affiliation, as there is in certain job titles," Spier wrote in a Medium blog post in May[2] . "But what do all of these things really say about who we are? There’s a danger in conflating work with self, even if work has consumed everything we do."


And this points to the real problem. In our ambitious, success-driven culture, many of us do consider the person we are to be practically one and the same with the work we do -- and could use a reminder that, simply, we are not our jobs.


Of course, it's ideal for your work to be a reflection of who you are and a forum for self-expression. But when we lean on our careers as our main source of personal identity and validation, we risk associating the self entirely with the work we do. And it's a dangerous association -- one that leaves us feeling lost and empty when, inevitably, we leave our jobs and are forced to look elsewhere for a sense of worth.


"When I left my job, it devastated me. I couldn’t just rally and move on," Erin Callan, former chief executive officer of Lehman Brothers, wrote in a New York Times op-ed[3] . "I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was."


Similarly, entrepreneur Ellen Huerta experienced something of an identity crisis when she left her glossy job at Google.


In a recent HuffPost blog, "Why I Left Google,"[4] Huerta describes the process of letting go of her job:


When I sat down and really thought about why I was resisting, I realized something about myself that I didn't like, something that I'm ashamed to even admit now. The main reason I was resisting was because I would be giving up the safety and prestige associated with life as a Googler. When I reflected more, I realized that external recognition had unfortunately become a primary motivator for me.

The problem is not in asking others what they do and sharing our own vocations, but in taking the answer as a foundation marker of a person's character and identity. And much like launching into a monologue about how busy or stressed you are[5] when asked about your day, diving right into "what do you do" can be a surefire way to prevent yourself from making a real connection with the person you're speaking to.


Some people love what they do and find deep meaning in their careers, while others are happy to have jobs that pay the bills so that they can pursue their passions outside work. And still others have not had the freedom and financial means to pursue meaningful careers. In any case, who we are is a far more complex and wonderful thing that what we do.


Chuck Palahniuk may have described it best in Fight Club: “You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet... You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”



Also on HuffPost:




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  • Barack Obama


    In an essay titled "<a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20500603,00.html" target="_blank">Being the Father I Never Had</a>," written in honor of Father's Day, the President wrote about his desire to be the best parent he could possibly be for daughters Sasha and Malia. He expressed regret for time spent away from the girls when they were younger, and resolved to be there for them more as they grew up. "When Malia and Sasha were younger, work kept me away from home more than it should have," <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20500603,00.html" target="_blank">Obama wrote in People magazine</a>. "At times, the burden of raising our two daughters has fallen too heavily on Michelle. During the campaign, not a day went by that I didn't wish I could spend more time with the family I love more than anything else in the world."




  • Paul McCartney


    When a fan asked McCartney what he would do if he had a time machine, the former Beatles member said that he'd go back and spend more time with his mother. Although his lack of family time wasn't due to overworking -- she died when he was just 14 -- the sentiment still stands. McCartney <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/9896636/Paul-McCartney-I-wish-I-could-spend-more-time-with-my-mother.html" target="_blank">has said</a> that his love for his mother, and eventually letting go of his pain over losing her, inspired one of the band's greatest hits and most moving songs, "Let It Be": <blockquote>At night when she came home, she would cook, so we didn't have a lot of time with each other. But she was just a very comforting presence in my life. And when she died, one of the difficulties I had, as the years went by, was that I couldn't recall her face so easily. That's how it is for everyone, I think. As each day goes by, you just can't bring their face into your mind, you have to use photographs and reminders like that. So in this dream 12 years later, my mother appeared, and there was her face, completely clear, particularly her eyes, and she said to me very gently, very reassuringly: 'Let it be.'</blockquote>




  • Martha Stewart


    The 71-year-old's one regret, looking back at her life and career? “That I haven’t had more children," <a href="http://www.newyoumedia.com/hot-topics/top-stories/martha-stewart-talks/" target="_blank">she said in a NEW YOU magazine profile</a>. "But my daughter has two babies now, so the family is growing.”




  • Aung San Suu Kyi


    Burmese politician and Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi has accomplished incredible feats in her career -- but she has regrets in her personal life. The dissident spent the past 20 years under house arrest in Rangoon, 2,000 miles away from her family in Oxford, England. Suu Kyi had the option to reunite with her family in the UK, but she knew that if she chose to leave, she might never be allowed to return and lead her people -- so she stayed. "Of course I regret not having been able to spend time with my family," <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19667956" target="_blank">Suu Kyi told the BBC</a>. "I would like to have been together with my family. I would like to have seen my sons growing up. But I don't have doubts about the fact that I had to choose to stay with my people here."




  • Usher


    Hip-hop singer and producer Usher <a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/news/usher-regrets-not-slowing-down-for-his-late-father_1075097" target="_blank">said</a> that he regretted not slowing down to spend time with his sick father before it was too late. His father's final words, asking his son for forgiveness for not being around more when he was younger, inspired Usher to write a heartfelt song for his son called "Prayer For You." “Instead of being there when he was sick, I was working," <a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/news/usher-regrets-not-slowing-down-for-his-late-father_1075097" target="_blank">the R&B star told Contact Music</a>. "There was no amount of money that could have fixed my father’s health, but I could have just spent that time with him.”




  • David Kim


    Since adolescence, David Kim, the CEO of an investor consortium that operates chain restaurants like Sweet Factory, La Salsa, Cinnabon, Denny's and Baja Fresh, was motivated to work hard and succeed so that he could support his parents, who were first-generation immigrants from Korea. But sitting on his father's deathbed years later, he had a change of perspective that forced him to reevaluate his definition of success. "I regret not spending enough time with him, especially before he was going to go," Kim (pictured above on an episode of "Undercover Boss"), <a href="http://www.worldmag.com/2012/01/one_ceo_s_story" target="_blank">told World magazine</a>. This change in heart led Kim to quit his job so that he could spend more time with his wife and three children, while also working on his passion project Ignite Enterprise, a business education company for entrepreneurs.




  • Erin Callan


    Earlier this year, Former Lehman Brothers CFO Erin Callan -- who left her job in 2008 just months before the company went bankrupt -- wrote a New York Times opinion piece, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/opinion/sunday/is-there-life-after-work.html?ref=opinion&_r=5&" target="_blank">"Is There Life After Work?"</a>, expressing her thoughts on work-life balance and the sacrifices she made for her career. "I don’t have children, so it might seem that my story lacks relevance to the work-life balance debate," <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/opinion/sunday/is-there-life-after-work.html?ref=opinion&_r=5&" target="_blank">Callan wrote</a>. "Like everyone, though, I did have relationships -- a spouse, friends and family -- and none of them got the best version of me. They got what was left over." Now, Callan says that although she can't make up for lost time, she is learning to find gratitude and appreciate the life she has.




  • Billy Graham


    Evangelist Billy Graham, "America's Pastor," <a href="http://www.politicsdaily.com/2011/01/24/billy-grahams-regret-i-would-have-steered-clear-of-politics/" target="_blank">confessed</a> that if he could have done one thing differently, he would have avoided political conflicts and spent more time with his family. Looking back, Graham <a href="http://www.politicsdaily.com/2011/01/24/billy-grahams-regret-i-would-have-steered-clear-of-politics/" target="_blank">told HuffPost Politics</a> that he would "spend more time at home with my family, and I'd study more and preach less."