Dear Doctor K: I do my best to care for my mother, who has Alzheimer's disease. But I often feel guilty and frustrated. Can you help me change my outlook?
Dear Reader: As a caregiver, there is only so much you can do. And even when you're doing everything right, a person who is not in her right mind may not appreciate what you're doing. When that person is someone you love, that's really hard to deal with.
In her new book, "Mindfulness Support for Alzheimer's Caregivers," my Harvard Medical School colleague Dr. Gail Gazelle helps guide caregivers back to physical and emotional health so that they can care for their loved ones while preserving their own well-being. You can learn more about the book, and also order it, on my website: AskDoctorK.com[1] .
Dr. Gazelle offers lots of practical advice, tips and exercises to help you reframe your thoughts. Your circumstances might not change, but your ability to control the way you experience your circumstances can. Here are a few examples:
Guilt. When your loved one has Alzheimer's, the guilt can seem endless. You feel guilty that you don't visit often enough, or that you don't do enough. When you experience guilt, ask yourself: In what ways can I replace my guilt with awareness of the good things that I'm doing?
The present moment. Experience what's happening right now, without labeling or judging it. Don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. Enjoy the view from where you stand. It decreases worry and stress.
Moments of joy. During the most trying times, we sometimes find moments of joy. Hang on to these moments by keeping a journal describing the times when you feel a strong sense of joy.
Touch your mother the way you always have. Sing a song she loved, and try to get her to join you. When you remind her of what she loved, you can bring both of you a measure of peace.
Write Dr. K at www.AskDoctorK.com[2] or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106
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