Written by Adina Kalish Neufeld for Working Mother Magazine [1]


I always knew I had an addictive personality. I dive into everything headfirst, have never slept past 7 a.m. in my entire life and am fiercely type A with work. I’ve never picked up a cigarette because deep down I know I’d be in big trouble. Or dabbled in drugs. Or hopped a flight to Vegas. What I do have, however, is a mildly moderately very (this piece has been edited by my 10-year-old daughter) unhealthy attachment (read: addiction) to my electronics. For as long as I can remember, my computer and my phone have been more like appendages than accessories. If I’m not holding them, I’m looking at them. And if I don’t know where they are, I get viscerally nervous.


When my kids get home, I don’t exactly shut down -- I’m checking emails from all four accounts to make sure nobody needs me while simultaneously helping with homework and cooking dinner. I’m working on pitches, proposals and projects. I’m glancing at Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest to stay in the loop. And I’m buying 400 thread count sheets on One Kings Lane because what would happen if (gasp!) someone else put them in her cart before I did? (You know you do it, too.) I practice the big no-no of bedroom etiquette: bringing electronics (not the Fifty Shades of Grey type) to bed. What?



If you field texts while tending to your tots, spend more time on Facebook than with your spouse and compulsively shop online sales at all hours -- if you’re addicted to your tech devices -- here’s help.


Who doesn’t want to play Touch Rummy with a random opponent at 2 a.m.? I have a hard time separating life from work --much like many other career-committed moms. It’s nothing new. I’m nothing special.


In a world filled with shoes that arrive at your door faster than you can say Jimmy Choo, playdates made via text without having even one conversation with the annoying mom (did I just say that?) and conference calls that save hours of sitting in traffic, it’s no wonder we’ve spiraled out of control with our dependence on electronics. They make our lives easier, more efficient. They make us more accessible. But they also make us less personal, less focused, less engaged. Especially when it comes to being with our families. "The truth is, everybody has the potential to become addicted to technology, regardless of whether they have a genetic predisposition for it," says Hilarie Cash, PhD, author of Video Games & Your Kids: How Parents Stay in Control and co-founder of Internet/ Computer Addiction Services in Redmond, WA. "But it’s learning how to manage it that makes a difference."


This past January, I hit bottom. On a short vacation to the beach with my kids, I found myself running back to the hotel room for "sunscreen" when a full bottle was right there next to me and dashing out of the pool anytime I heard a blip (even if it wasn’t mine). It was pathetic, but I couldn’t stop myself. That is, until my 7-year-old daughter asked if I’d pleeease turn my phone off for the rest of the weekend and started to cry. It was then I knew: I needed an e-tox.


And yet, my plan would have to be different from the cold-turkey approach used by many treatment addiction centers (and by no means am I making light of these approaches). Because I work from home, my office comes with me wherever I go. Not that it’s an excuse (well, maybe a little one). But it does mean that my computer and phone are my only sources of communication with clients. Instead, I embarked on a slow but steady self-guided 12-step process. My girls were ecstatic: "Finally, you’ll pay attention to us instead of texting all day!" said Ryan, the younger one. "It won’t last," said Talia, the older one. I knew I had to succeed. And I’m sharing the plan so you, too, can e-tox your way to a saner family life.


THE STEPS


1. Admit you have a problem.


After making their favorite dinner, I sat down with my kids, took a deep breath and stated out loud: "I am addicted to my electronics," hoping for a better response than "Duh."


2. Decide where to start.


My e-tox didn’t begin until I got home from vacation. But in an ideal world, it’s helpful if you can get away from your house and normal day-to-day routine to kick-start the program. Dr. Cash suggests a weekend away in a new spot where you can focus on other activities and not be constantly reminded of your deviant behavior. I wasn’t able to do that, but it’s good to know for the future in case I have a relapse, which I won’t. Well, maybe I will.


3. Set reasonable parameters.


I realized I had to share my plan with my family. There was no possible way I could just turn off my electronics all week, so I decided to launch my e-tox by shutting down my computer for the entire weekend (starting with Friday school pickup) and putting it in a locked suitcase in my closet. I made it clear my phone would stay on, but I wouldn’t text or check Facebook. “Think in terms of harm reduction,” says Dr. Cash. “If you’re someone who’s drawn to social media or if you’re an excessive texter, choose to give that up for a while.” She suggests at least a two-or three-day break to normalize brain function for a mild addiction, longer for a more serious one. Choosing which components I could still access and which to shut down made it doable because I maintained a bit of control -- helpful for a control freak.


4. Accept withdrawal pains.


“People may experience similar withdrawal symptoms with electronics as they would with chemical dependencies, including restlessness, anxiety or depression,” says Dr. Cash. Mine kicked in almost immediately. I literally started shaking when I heard a text beep when we were out in public. My girls served as my parole officers conscience by reminding me whenever I veered off course that social media was off-limits. It also helped to stay busy by scheduling activities with my kids outside of the house.


5. Do a reality check.


Mine came in hard and clear during my withdrawal period, whenever I heard

a text come in or wanted to reach for my phone to go online. Here’s what it screamed: I’m just not that important. Nope. Before phones became ubiquitous, I used to make fun of people who were on them in the same way I would when I saw anyone use a beeper who wasn’t a doctor. Unless I’m saving lives, nobody really needs me that badly. And if they do, they’ll just have to wait. Stating this out loud made me realize that I didn’t need to check my devices nearly as much as I had been.



6. Take personal inventory.


This is where you decide if it’s truly the electronics that are controlling you or if there’s an underlying issue (cue the therapist). For me, it was about trying to do too many things at once, none of which seemed to get done well. By redirecting my focus onto one activity at a time (e.g., time with my kids, work, making dinner) and only involving electronics when they were truly necessary, I became more focused and ultimately more productive with each task.



7. Reconnect with your body.


Nothing helps you get out of a stressful time more than exercise and some good old-fashioned sweat. I needed to create a sacred space just for me where there were no kids, no work and no electronics. I found it in the form of kickboxing. Punching bags, gloves and all. Once those endorphins were flowing, I knew I was capable of making changes and sticking to them because I felt empowered. Three one-hour workouts a week of any type is recommended (I could only fit in one), but do whatever you can until your schedule permits more.


8. Make amends.


This was harder than I thought. I spend so much time making my kids apologize for things that I realized it was high time I did, too. They milked it for all it’s worth -- because in their eyes, verbal apologies weren’t sufficient. Noooo, apologies must come in the form of ice cream, extra TV time and staying up late on school nights. I obliged. (Do I now need an apology detox?)


9. Set car rules.


This deserves a step all its own simply because if you don’t set parameters in your car, you’ll wind up in big trouble (actual danger notwithstanding). For me, it meant putting my phone (including its GPS system) in my purse and stashing it in the trunk. Out of sight, out of reach. There should never, ever be a reason to grab and text (even though I was guilty of this at stoplights). Refer again to step No. 5. Yep, I’m just not that important. And if I get lost, I’ll go retro and stop at a gas station and ask for directions! Remember those days?


10. Reintroduce gradually.


After an entire day went by without texting and checking social media, I actually felt less anxious. I felt liberated. I felt recalibrated. I rediscovered Monopoly! And sidewalk chalk! And non-iPad Gin Rummy! By the time I turned my computer back on come Monday morning, I had an all-new relationship with it. I didn’t rely on it as much. Because I knew it would no longer control me.


11. Allow for regression.


That’s not to say the temptation didn’t creep back into my life on day two post e-tox. And it will creep back into yours, too. Luckily, I have two girls who remind me daily that I still have a problem. “Don’t forget about your article!” my 7-year-old says whenever I reach for my phone at “inappropriate phone times” (she coined that). Always good to keep your parole officer conscience on your shoulder.


12. Find a new normal.


And so a renewed life emerged. Seven days after my e-tox began, my computer and my phone returned once again to being the helpful tools they were meant to be -- not replacements for my entire brain. I did the heavy lifting during a three-day weekend, but it was in the entire first week that all the steps came together, setting the tone for what will hopefully be my everlasting relationship with my electronics -- and a stronger face-to-face life with my family. Worth a few withdrawal pains, don’t you think?


E-Tox Tips For Kids

If your children are too attached to tech, give these tactics a try.


Eat gadget-free. Resist the urge to hand your little guy your smartphone the minute you enter a restaurant. Instead, have him pick the topic of conversation before you get there so he’s ready to launch into it once you sit down. Or bring a non-electronic substitute like the adorable Restaurant Savers portable art studio from Happy Burping ($18, happyburping.com[2] ), so he can color and you can help.


Set boundaries. Reward kids with computer time after they’ve done homework or chores. Just don’t let it get too close to bedtime -- the lights will stimulate their little brains.


Go outside. Make a lemonade stand; send the kids to climb a tree; play hide-and-seek in the backyard. There’s no reason to be indoors clicking away on a sunny day.


Let them be bored. This is where creative imaginations work best. Always using electronics to fill downtime can stifle kids’ creativity and their interactions with others. You’re the parent; you set the parameters. If you don’t give kids electronics or TV time, eventually they’ll have to come up with something else to do. Like we did. Back in the Stone Age.



This piece originally ran on WorkingMother.com. [3]





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  • March 2013: Teens and Technology[4]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: "Fully 95% of teens are online, a percentage that has been consistent since 2006. Yet, the nature of teens’ internet use has transformed dramatically during that time ... Teens are just as likely to have a cell phone as they are to have a desktop or laptop computer. And increasingly these phones are affording teens always-on, mobile access to the internet — in some cases, serving as their primary point of access."




  • February 2013: Preschoolers Can Learn Great Things From TV[5]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Huffington Post (to read the actual study, visit <a href="http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2013/02/13/peds.2012-3872.full.pdf">Pediatrics</a> -- subscription required) <strong>Gist</strong>: "New research out today by Dr Christakis finds that putting our time and energy into working to improve what our children watch, not just how much they watch, can have a positive impact on their behavior -- even for children as young as 3 years of age."




  • February 2013: Media and Violence: An Analysis of Current Research [6]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Common Sense Media <strong>Gist</strong>: "While longitudinal research does allow us to speak in terms of a 'causal' relationship, it is probably more accurate and useful to think about media violence as a 'risk factor' rather than a 'cause' of violence — one variable among many that increases the risk of violent behavior among some children."




  • January 2013: Screen Time Not Linked To Kids' Physical Activity


    <strong>Source</strong>: Reuters (to read the actual study, visit <a href="http://archpedi.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1548755">JAMA Pediatrics</a> -- log-in required) <strong>Gist</strong>: "[R]esearchers said the new study backs up earlier findings showing too much screen time and not enough exercise may be separate issues that parents and schools need to address independently."




  • December 2012: How Families Interact on Facebook [7]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Facebook <strong>Gist</strong>: "We investigated anonymized and automatically processed posts and comments by people self-identified as parents and children to understand how conversation patterns with each other might be a bit different from those with their other friends."




  • November 2012: Parents, Teens, and Online Privacy [8]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: "Most parents of teenagers are concerned about what their teenage children do online and how their behavior could be monitored by others. Some parents are taking steps to observe, discuss, and check up on their children’s digital footprints."




  • November 2012: Public Supports Expanded Internet Safety Requirements to Protect Kids[9]


    <strong>Source</strong>: C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health <strong>Gist</strong>: "In this Poll, nearly two out of three adults expressed strong support for proposed COPPA updates, including requiring apps designed for kids to confirm that users are at least 13 and prohibiting apps from collecting personal information from users under age 13."




  • November 2012: The Online Generation Gap[10]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Family Online Safety Institute <strong>Gist</strong>: "These surveys indicate that teens’ concerns about their online safety parallel parents’ concerns more closely than parents realize and that many teens are taking steps to protect their privacy and personal information. Nonetheless, teens suggest that parents are not as informed about what their teens do online as parents think they are, and some teens are taking risks by providing personal information to strangers online."




  • November 2012: Children, Teens, and Entertainment Media: The View From The Classroom[11]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Common Sense Media <strong>Gist</strong>: "America’s teachers -- whether they are long-time classroom veterans or young, tech-savvy ones, at wealthy schools or low-income schools, public or private, elementary or high school -- surface relatively consistent concerns: Students are having issues with their attention span, writing, and face-to-face communication, and, in the experience of teachers, children’s media use is contributing to the problem. On the plus side, teachers find that young people’s facility with media is helping them find information quickly and multitask more effectively."




  • November 2012: How Teens Do Research in the Digital World[12]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: "Three-quarters of AP [Advanced Placement] and NWP [National Writing Project] teachers say that the internet and digital search tools have had a 'mostly positive' impact on their students’ research habits, but 87% say these technologies are creating an 'easily distracted generation with short attention spans' and 64% say today’s digital technologies 'do more to distract students than to help them academically.'"




  • June 2012: Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives[13]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Common Sense Media <strong>Gist</strong>: "Three out of four teens have social networking sites, and half of all teens are on their sites on a daily basis. But despite our concerns about social media, in the vast majority of cases, these media do not appear to be causing great tumult in teenagers’ lives."




  • March 2012: Teens, Smartphones and Texting: Texting Volume Is Up While Frequency of Voice Calling Is Down[14]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: “The volume of texting among teens has risen from 50 texts a day in 2009 to 60 texts for the median teen text user. The frequency of teens' phone chatter with friends - on cell phones and landlines - has fallen. But the heaviest texters are also the heaviest talkers with their friends.”




  • February 2012: Impact of an Active Video Game on Healthy Children’s Physical Activity[15]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pediatrics <strong>Gist</strong>: "There was no evidence that children receiving the active video games were more active in general, or at anytime, than children receiving the inactive video games."




  • November 2011: Teens, Kindness And Cruelty on Social Network Sites: How American Teens Navigate the New World of “Digital Citizenship”[16]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: “As social media use has become pervasive in the lives of American teens, a new study finds that 69% of the teenagers who use social networking sites say their peers are mostly kind to one another on such sites. Still, 88% of these teens say they have witnessed people being mean and cruel to another person on the sites, and 15% report that they have been the target of mean or cruel behavior on social network sites.”




  • November 2011: Preschool-Aged Children’s Television Viewing in Child Care Settings [17]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pediatrics <strong>Gist</strong>: “We found that children in as many as 70% of home-based child care settings and 36% of center-based child care settings watch television daily. More importantly, when television is viewed at all, infants and children spend 2 to 3 hours watching in home-based programs and ~1.5 hours watching in center-based programs.”




  • October 2011: Media Use by Children Younger Than 2 Years[18]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pediatrics <strong>Gist</strong>: “This updated policy statement provides further evidence that media—both foreground and background—have potentially negative effects and no known positive effects for children younger than 2 years. Thus, the AAP reaffirms its recommendation to discourage media use in this age group. This statement also discourages the use of background television intended for adults when a young child is in the room.”




  • October 2011: Zero to Eight: Children's Media Use in America[19]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Common Sense Media <strong>Gist</strong>: "Nine-month-olds spend nearly an hour a day watching television or DVDs, 5-year-olds are begging to play with their parents’ iPhones, and 7-year-olds are sitting down in front of a computer several times a week to play games, do homework, or check out how their avatars are doing in their favorite virtual worlds. Television is still as popular as ever, but reading may be beginning to trend downward. Having an accurate understanding of the role of media in children’s lives is essential for all of those concerned about promoting healthy child development: parents, educators, pediatricians, public health advocates, and policymakers, to name just a few."




  • July 2011: Cell Phone Study ‘Misleading’: Children May Still Be At Increased Cancer Risk, Experts Say [20]


    <strong>Source</strong>: The Huffington Post <strong>Gist</strong>: “[E]xperts have some serious concerns regarding the methods and conclusions of the first study evaluating the connection between cell phone radiation and brain cancer in children and teens. Not only was the study flawed, they note, but it was also financially supported by the cell phone industry.”




  • October 2010: Children's Screen Viewing Is Related to Psychological Difficulties Irrespective of Physical Activity [21]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pediatrics <strong>Gist</strong>: “This study found that greater television and computer use was related to greater psychological difficulties, independent of gender, age, level of deprivation, pubertal status, and objectively measured physical activity and sedentary time.”




  • July 2010: Television and Video Game Exposure and the Development of Attention Problems[22]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pediatrics <strong>Gist</strong>: "Viewing television and playing video games each are associated with increased subsequent attention problems in childhood. It seems that a similar association among television, video games, and attention problems exists in late adolescence and early adulthood."




  • April 2010: Teens, Cell Phones and Texting: Text Messaging Becomes Centerpiece Communication [23]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Pew Research Center <strong>Gist</strong>: “Fully two-thirds of teen texters say they are more likely to use their cell phones to text their friends than talk to them to them by cell phone.”




  • January 2010: Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds[24]


    <strong>Source</strong>: Kaiser Family Foundation <strong>Gist</strong>: “Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes (7:38) to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). And because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes (10:45) worth of media content into those 7½ hours.”